Slightly dubiously, I gave them my address, and then waited. I wondered who might have sent in my name, and accused a few friends whom I thought might have been likely to bother sending off a note about my amazing achievements. My family denied responsibility, seeing as I had done nothing worthy. One friend, Gill – who had nominated our project for a Green Corner award a couple of years ago for being accessible to wheelchair users – said, “It’s obviously a scam,” with a kind of ‘who’d invite you’ subtext.

A posh engraved invitation arrived in the post. This looked very promising!

The administrator rang me with a query about doing some press, and I took the opportunity to quiz her – what had I done, who had nominated me for the prize, was it my mum? “It’s for your work saving the Chiswick House Kitchen Garden,” said the administrator, “Firstly, you are not nominated for a prize, you are all Women of the Year. And – it was the President of the organisation who put your name forward.” Appreciation from someone I didn’t know personally, now this was seriously exciting!

I signed up for the @womanoftheyear twitterfeed, and began to be forwarded various tweets. Soon other ‘nominees’ began to fret in their tweets about what to wear. I put it to the back of my mind.

But a few days before the event I realised that though I had a wide selection of gardening clothes, generously mud-bespattered, I needed something nice to wear to this posh luncheon. I did have a few decent rags, and a friend brought round a selection of designer tops from her extensive wardrobe so I was sorted. Although obviously we Women of the Year are all well above such considerations.

I pitched up at the Intercontinental Hotel in Park Lane on a brisk day in October. On the way in I met another invitee, in cycle kit, desperately looking for a back entrance so she could change into her glad rags. She peeled off and cut through the tradesman’s back door. At the proper entrance, a crowd of photographers were flashing at Kathy Lette, asking her to pose, walk in, walk in again. Another lady and I stood aside and waited for a clear run. Then we sprinted through, though we needn’t have bothered, the paparazzi were interested in the showbiz girls – Kathy, Juliet Stevenson, Esther Rantzen, Lulu, Ruby Wax…

Inside the foyer was a terrifying melee of women; I hadn’t seen so many in one place since school assembly, and we never dared to talk so loudly. Lots of Mwah! Mwah! airkissing on powdered cheeks was going on. I went and hid in the loo and looked at my programme. Any chance I would know anyone?

The programme was thrilling. There were people like Julia “Gruffalo” Donaldson, Dame Margaret “posh anorak” Barbour, Gail “please publish my book” Rebuck… but I wouldn’t recognise them face to face. Then there were the recognisable ones I would likewise never dare greet: Theresa May, Shami Chakrabarti the terrifying Camila Batmanghelidj, Bianca Jagger…

The vast majority were unknown to me, and the programme gave each of us a brief description. I was ‘Writer and Gardener’. I emerged from the loo, adjusted my lipstick and finally plucked up courage to join the fray. Everyone was milling around trying to look discreetly at the other women’s bosoms where the name badges gave clues to our identities, and then making stilted conversation. The male waiters, looking scared and out-numbered, were threading their way nervously through the crowds with drinks. The general flow was towards the flag of our respective table numbers, where a hostess – a formidable member of the organization – was awaiting.

In charge of our table was Diana Makgill, terrifyingly described in the programme as ‘Protocol Consultant and Past President, Women of the Year.’ She was clearly one of the great and good, who have kept the Empire flying throughout the centuries; she turned out to have a brilliant sense of humour and be great fun, and soon put us at our ease. Around her were clustered our table of women – two members of the Archers cast (Peggy, aged 92 and Pat), a bagpipe player, a reverend, a gardener and a farmer. Later we were joined by Eve Pollard, one of the first female editors of a national newspaper, and a confident longtimer at these lunches. She would tell a funny anecdote to illustrate how all sorts of women achievers met at these lunches; grovelling under the table for her glasses a few years ago she had felt something cold and wet touch her cheek. Terrified it was a rat, she had almost upended the table in her terror, only to discover it was the nose of the collie belonging to a prize-winning shepherdess. In normal life, when does one ever get the chance to sit at a table with the likes of a bagpipe player, a shepherdess, a newspaper editor, a reverend or a bemedalled soldier?

We made our way to our table. I looked at the little place names telling us where to sit: a rev on one side, an hon on the other – I would have to behave. Suddenly I saw a woman I recognised, a mum from my son’s school – we had stood on many a muddy towpath cheering our sons rowing over the years. At last I too could do “Mwah! Mwah!” I sat down much cheered.

Then Sandi Toksvig began her MC spiel and, between the laughs, I began to understand the point of the event. This lunch was “to celebrate women’s achievements and provide an environment in which women might meet.” Sandi picked out a few notable women around the room –  Hetty Bower, 106 and still campaigning for peace; Helen Alexander, ex-head of the CBI and Economist;  Naveeda Ikram, first female Muslim Lord Mayor; Lucy Shuker, first women’s rep on the Rugby Football Union council – and encouraged us all to talk to one another and hear one another’s stories.

Between each course there was dry wit from Sandi Toksvig, a couple of rude sketches from Maureen Lipman, and stories about amazing women. We ended up laughing and crying. I had gone there in a rather sceptical frame of mind – what’s so great about sisterhood, give me a hunky man any time, and do we really need an event like this any more? – but I was completely won over. Around the packed tables women in twinsets and pearls, women in military uniform, women in hijabs, women in botox – we all shared the same risqué jokes and the same mutual respect at our achievements.

And as the good food was devoured, the particular awards were given out. We were all Women of the Year, but some were even more special. Jackie Millerchip had been voted for by viewers of Lorraine’s ITV programme for providing an amazing daycare facility in her home for children with learning difficulties and their families. Katie Piper, a model whose face had been horribly scarred by an acid attack, and who had set up a charity to bring medical improvements to other scarred people, won a Sainsbury’s “You Can” award and gave such a mature and moving speech we all wiped back a few tears of respect. Dr Nawal El Saadawi, an Egyptian novelist and activist, gave a rousing speech of old-style anti-imperialism and feminist enthusiasm, shaking her white plaits and beaming with the biggest smile around. A very graphic but moving film showed young soldiers in Afghanistan being blown to pieces, before two young men stepped up to give an award to the team of surgeons, nurses, physios and therapists who had helped stick them back together (Debby Edwards, Victoria Mulleady, Sgt Lauren Odell , Kate Sherman, Surgeon Commander Sarah Stapley and Sarah Winters). And finally Lulu, who had apparently fallen literally into a pool of shit in Vietnam on her last charitable trip was awarded a Sacla Lifetime Achievement Award. 

We were all happy to be pipped by Lulu who looked so thrilled with her award. We swallowed down our little champagne ice cream cornets before they melted into our laps and prepared to grab our goodie bags (mascara, a cook book by Laurence Dallaglio, a novel, a nail varnish, a tea bag and a note pad – all very girly and much appreciated) and wend our way home.

I know I was feeling humbled by what some of these women had gone through, and what they had achieved, and how they had come out the other end to achieve such things. I resolved to try and achieve something so I could be invited back again.

And as we rose to go, Sandi Toksvig called after us. “And don’t waste time cleaning your houses. No-one ever achieved anything because of having a clean house. No-one ever loved you for your clean house!” And I thought, hmmm, that’s good advice!

Fruit picked in 2011 (damsons, pears, quince, grapes, mulberries, plums)

Click to enlarge

Table of varieties and weights picked in 2011 (apples)

 Click to enlarge.

The background: Karen and Sarah run a project called Abundance London (www.abundancelondon.com) picking surplus fruit with local schoolchildren. Marion is a local chef who has offered to make some quince cheese. Clare is another friend nearby. Patrice is an experienced quince cheese chef. Now read on…

Saturday 17 September
KAREN TO MARION 09:48: Picking quinces in Marlborough Road (if you want to come there, pick up jars and help quince picking). Or I can drop them to you after that.
MARION TO KAREN 09:48: What time? I can come by 10:45.
[Karen, Jeremy and Marion pick 50kilo of quinces. Marion tears her £200 designer jacket – gold with flounces – across the shoulder wielding a picker. She scratches her car - Mercedes 4WD - reversing out after the pick.]
KAREN TO MARION 11:55: I have a recipe for quince cheese. Do not peel them.
MARION TO KAREN 12:30: OK. Is it easy?
KAREN TO MARION 20:20: I hope so. Anyhow, don’t start peeling.
KAREN TO MARION 22:57 Recipe scan attached. And see, I have written “excellent” in the corner after doing it last year.
MARION TO KAREN 23:16: Can’t read it. Either too much wine or it’s too small!

Sunday 18 September
[Karen drops a paper copy of the recipe to Marion.]
MARION TO KAREN 16:37: Have done first stage of quinces.
KAREN TO MARION 16:30: I have had a bath.
MARION TO KAREN 16:39: Lucky you! I smell. LOL.
KAREN TO PATRICE 18:28: It’s that time of year, and we have found quince trees – do you fancy making us some cheese?

PATRICE TO KAREN 21:09: Yes I would love to make some quince cheese.

[Karen also recruits Clare, and Clare embarks on a small test batch.]

Monday 19 September
[Marion leaves a message that she doesn’t understand the recipe. Should the quinces by now be liquid or solid?]
KAREN TO MARION 10:56: It says pulp in the recipe. It also says ‘weigh’ which sounds more like solid not liquid. Don’t you need scales for cooking?
KAREN TO PATRICE, MARION, CLARE AND SARAH 11:13: Just to put you in touch with one another – you are all making quince cheese for Abundance! Patrice has done it before and knows what she is doing. If you have tricky cooking questions, ask her, not me! (sorry Patrice!)

PATRICE TO KAREN, MARION, CLARE AND SARAH 11:53: Hi Ladies, I have been working through my assignments this morning and have done a projection with regards to completing and I don’t think that making the quince cheese would be a very good idea for me to commit to. I am however more than happy to loan my huge Mouli to you all for the purpose of being able to cook the quince whole in the oven and then pass through the mouli to remove toe-nail like bits from the core….. and also my phone number is below and I am available for phone calls also. Just leave a message and I can get back to you as I am teaching cooking, Karate and Pilates A LOT and cannot always answer the phone. Sorry Karen, I know I had said I would do it but it is just not ‘cricket’. Spreading myself WAY to thin….

Please be in touch with regards any questions and of course the mouli can be rotated around you all if you don’t already have one. Let me know where I could drop it off to. You must all be local. I am in Brentford and come through Chiswick on my travels.

CLARE TO KAREN 11: 57: Just been talking to my friend. She says quince jelly is really beautiful but presumably that’s more difficult because of needing jars?

PATRICE TO KAREN 12:38: Massive assignment due on the 1st Oct, another on the 1st November, Pilates case study to be completed by 1st October….. teaching at the cook school at nights and teaching Karate two nights a week as well as doing my own practise…. teaching assisting in four different pilates classes (different locations) per week as well as my own practise which a certain number of hours (huge amount) has to be signed off by the 1st November , Final written exam on 11th November….. practical Pilates exam in December…. Bee keeping and having to feed bees constantly at the moment and dose them with antibiotics…… daughter about to have a fourth baby, father in Hospital in NZ with a stroke, can’t go home to NZ….. major harvest under way at the allotment and to top it all off….. husband is in Afghanistan for the next five weeks on the front line behind a camera…..

I scared myself off…… fecking fecking feck.
Desperate at the moment and would give anything to lose myself in a batch of quince cheese. xxx

MARION TO KAREN, CLARE, PATRICE AND SARAH 13:37 Good afternoon all,
Now that there is one chef short, I am offering to help more!
Having never even seen a Quince, I feel suddenly very intimate with this piece of fruit!! I will assist you with some more Quince cheese! Now that I am feeling way more confident! Except I will need more trays!! More sugar, quinces, parchment paper and alcohol!!! big Lol!

Tuesday 20 September
[Marion leaves a panicked message. She has been boiling the quinces since Sunday and they show no sign of setting into a cheese.]
KAREN TO MARION 10:29: Picking with kids for the next hour or so. Back around twelve. Will call you asap.
[Marion and Karen discuss the failure of Marion’s quinces to do what it says they would in the recipe.]
MARION TO KAREN 12:27: My first ever failure! Wha, wha!!
KAREN TO MARION 12:28: Not failed. Just stopped too soon I think. I hope!
KAREN TO MARION 13:17: Found a job for you. Local café want someone to cook them muffins and cookies. Just don’t offer them quince cheese.
MARION TO KAREN 13:19: Ha ha ha. Listen, I’m panicking, it’s getting thinner.
KAREN TO MARION 13:22: Oh shit. Any more translucent?
MARION TO KAREN 13:22: Now looks like toffee. Fuck this!!! Grrrr…
KAREN TO MARION 13:23: Maybe we should just cut our losses and call it quince sludge?
MARION TO KAREN 13:25: All that for two days of work!! Leave it to volcanic some more and fucking more!!
MARION TO KAREN 13:43: Spoke to Patrice. She gave me some advice. Your recipe stinks! I should have roasted them. They’re in the Aga now, possibly for days more!
KAREN TO MARION 14:12: Clever you. I forgot we could ask her. So are you back in control?
KAREN TO MARION 14:17: Oh, and if you need jars for chutney, apparently there are some on my doorstep.
MARION TO KAREN 14:21: Aaargh, haven’t even started chutney. No pans for hours until the quince becomes cheese!!
KAREN TO MARION 14:23: I look forward to relaxing in my meeting soon, and being able to stop worrying about your cheese.
MARION TO KAREN 14:39: Ha ha. Hope your meeting is better than the fucking cheese!!
[Later that night, despairing of Marion’s cheese, Karen decides to have a go herself.]
KAREN TO MARION 22:13: Just started my quince cheese. Gulp.
MARION TO KAREN 23:01: Hope yours works a million times better than mine. I even cried over the mess of it all.
KAREN TO MARION 23:04: Oh no. Don’t take it so seriously. Throw the ducking stuff away. Clare and I are just comparing notes. Very stressed. I’m still simmering. Did Patrice think yours could be saved or made into jelly or should we chuck it?
MARION TO KAREN 23:22: Will know more in the morning. Either knifing myself or this slop!
KAREN TO MARION 23:24: Don’t knife yourself. I’m sorry I dropped you in it. Do chuck if fed up. Not worth crying over. Though I agree it is very annoying.
MARION TO KAREN 23:26: I hate to fail! Xx no sweat! Life lessons!

Wednesday 21 September
CLARE 15:57: Ring me in 10 mins. Trying to get to Morrison’s for sugar.
MARION TO KAREN 16:54: OK, don’t want to press my luck but by fucking George I might have saved it!!! You read MIGHT!!!
MARION TO KAREN 16:56: Oh please. I’ve wrecked my house, hands and pans in the process though but stuck it out!!
KAREN TO MARION 17:00: So do we have cheese?
MARION TO KAREN 17:04: The cheese is almost in the setting stage.
KAREN TO MARION 18:49: I’m stirring the quince again.
MARION TO KAREN 18:51: OMG does it not end? O!!! I’m definitely an apple lady!!
KAREN TO MARION 18:51: Is yours set? Is it black?
CLARE TO KAREN 18:53: R u receiving me? I have my head in huge vat of batch 2. Batch 1 is nicely solid. I am ready to murder someone. Aaaarghghghghghghghghg. You owe me. Dunno what, but better be good!! I am turning into Mike Tyson arms.
KAREN TO CLARE 18:55: Sorry, forgot my phone could do Blackberry messaging. Wondered what the pinging was. You pay extra for no bingo wings.
KAREN TO CLARE 18:56: Marion’s has set
CLARE TO KAREN 18:56: Thought so. Now on production line. Stirring one moment, violent mouli action the next. Wish I hadn’t had a jog this morning. Ready to drop…
KAREN TO CLARE 18:57: I did 50 lengths, then swimming lesson. We will be so firm.
KAREN TO CLARE 18:57 Duck, mine looks like orange juice.
CLARE TO KAREN 18:59: Trouble is, I don’t have enough receptacles. Ah well. Minor problem. Currently racing to get one quince-free non-burnt pan for Ben who’s cooking supper (thank goodness!)
KAREN TO CLARE 19:06: Mine is granular now too. How long you boil, sigh?
KAREN TO CLARE 19:07 And burnt tongue.
CLARE TO KAREN 19:10: Half granular, half preserving (sugar) Not even boiling yet. Loooooooong road ahead….
KAREN TO CLARE: 19:11 No, I mean the texture is granular. Sugar is caster unfortunately.
MARION TO KAREN 19:12: Yes!
CLARE TO KAREN 19:13: Jeremy has just looked at first batch and says it looks like a massive shit.
KAREN TO CLARE 19:20: My Jeremy says mine looks lovely.
CLARE TO KAREN 19:22: Oh that’s annoying.
KAREN TO CLARE 19:52: I am never going to see the bottom of my pan again
CLARE TO KAREN 20:00: Oh no. Try bio washing liquid. I’m trying that on my 30-year old much loved pan.
KAREN TO CLARE 20:04: Well I can’t imagine ever making the slice with a spoon and the liquid leaving a gap. Did yours really and did you make a real loaf that you can slice?
CLARE TO KAREN 20:14: Yes. Ha! We just had some. We’re calling it cheesus.
KAREN TO CLARE 20:14: Something to aspire to.
KAREN TO CLARE: 20:15 Oh btw, supposed to let it mature for few weeks.
CLARE TO KAREN 20:16: I know, that’s your job. Needs labels saying best after…
CLARE TO KAREN 20:19 My batch 2 is amber coloured. Reckon 3 hours before it’s ready to pour. Then one batch to do tomorrow morning. How many you doing? Have asked for jam pan and mega mouli for birthday.
KAREN TO CLARE 20:30: I love – or rather – loved my jam pan. Mine heading towards molasses now. I am still on the first (and only) batch of 3.8 kilos.
KAREN TO MARION 20:31: Mine is molasses now too. Are you finished? I think Clare is crying now. She has been taking counselling from Patrice.
CLARE TO KAREN 20: 33: Thought you might be interested to see this. I am now officially obsessed. http://www.tracklements.co.uk/products/cheeses/Quince_Cheese/. Interesting pricing (£2.85 for 100g)
CLARE TO KAREN 20:35: I am surfing net and stirring. Is that 8 kilos total before you started?
CLARE TO KAREN 20:36 I am regretting not taking photo of sink full of quinces. Looked so pretty…. should have photographed whole process.
KAREN TO CLARE 20:36: 3.8 kilos, not 8!!. Of pulp.
KAREN TO CLARE 20:37 Photograph the next batch
CLARE TO KAREN 20:38: Too late for sink/slicing stage.
KAREN TO CLARE 20:39: Photograph the next batch.
CLARE TO KAREN 20:39 Next batch, yeah right… Some recipes say you should cook the quinces before mouli stage for 3 hours! Apparently they go pink.
KAREN TO CLARE 20:39 Yes. Jeremy did with lamb last year and lovely pink.
MARION TO KAREN 20:41: Too fucking funny, sad!
CLARE TO KAREN 20:55: Fortnum’s sell it for £3.23 for 125g
KAREN TO CLARE 21:43: 3hrs boiling so far (and that was on top of this morning’s hour or so…). Fecking molasses.
CLARE TO KAREN 21:54 Search quince cheese on twitter.
KAREN TO SALLY 21:55: Hi Sally…. Hope you are well, and kids doing uni stuff etc. How were their exams? We are drowning under quinces. Fancy making some quince cheese? It’s succchhhhh fun….
CLARE TO KAREN 21:58: I am going to email Sally and tell her you’re trying to sabotage her life
MARION TO KAREN 22:10: I’m so sorry I laughed at your molasses. Sob.
MARION TO KAREN 22:11: Welcome to my quince world! What quinces around goes around!
MARION TO SALLY 22:15: If you believe her I am a monkey’s uncle!!
KAREN TO CLARE 22:17 No time, stirring quince.
CLARE TO MARION, KAREN, SARAH: Hi Quincies,

After quite a quincy day, I have started tweeting as quincecheesus. Perhaps we can all continue our correspondence via twitter, but that may be difficult if you don’t have a twitter account…It takes 3 mins to set one up. Then you can follow quincecheesus, quincecheesus can follow you and we can all chat and keep amusing one another with our intense quince experiences. Sorry have to go and stir now. Get tweeting.

KAREN TO MARION AND CLARE 22:03: Look, you and Clare have to stop sabotaging my attempts to recruit new victims. Otherwise you are both doing quince cheese for the next 10 days… and btw, you are both on the stall selling preserves and cheese – together, so be nice.

And – we hate Clare because she made a successful quince cheese. But – it is only a tiny one, and her second big batch is not looking so clever…. heh heh

MARION TO KAREN 22:43: I will be glad to allow any quince Queen to sell mine!!!!!!! Welcome to my pedestal!! rotfwl and quince mess!!
KAREN TO CLARE 22:46 I’ve taken a tray-load out and put it in the oven. So I can use double the electricity.
CLARE TO KAREN 22:54: Am about to go to sleep. Quince can go hang for a few hours.
KAREN TO PATRICE 23:09: I hate Pam the Jam, it is her recipe . Mind you, last year it worked. Nigel Slater says the same, but once mixed bung it in oven overnight. Marion says you roast it first? Tell me.

By the time you have given us each individual counselling, it would probably have been easier to have done it yourself. Certainly more successful, though Clare seems to have produced a few slices of decent stuff.
KAREN TO CLARE 23:11: Shove in oven very low overnight says Nigel Slater.
KAREN TO CLARE 00:04 I quit.
KAREN TO MARION: 00:05 I quit.
PATRICE TO KAREN 00:16: Oh I have loved making the quince vicariously…. Fab!!! And yes I take water right out of the equation. Dry roast in a pan covered in the oven and then mouli them and then weight for weight with sugar and cook until soft ball stage on a sugar thermometer.

Thursday, 22 September
MARION TO KAREN 07:40: And the bottom line, did it work?
KAREN TO MARION 08:34: Dunno, afraid to go downstairs. I’ll see you after 10 o’clock. [Karen is taking a school group to pick apples in Marion’s garden]
MARION TO KAREN 08:45: OK, good luck.
KAREN TO CLARE 08:58 Good morning
CLARE TO KAREN 09:07: Good membrillo. Had exciting moment earlier
KAREN TO CLARE 09:07: Do tell
CLARE TO KAREN 09:10: Thought my quince had magically set overnight but was just the skin. Decanted half and put in slow oven for school run. Finishing walk then will see what’s occurred since 7.45.
CLARE TO KAREN 09:10 Sam says my new batch is gorgeous colour but wishes my car didn’t smell of quince.
CLARE TO KAREN 09:11 Was awake at 4.15 designing labels. Can I buy some and claim money back or do you have labels?
CLARE TO KAREN 09:12 Why we’re doing this for charity I have no idea. We should be running cottage foodie industry.
KAREN TO CLARE 09:12: We make our own labels. Sarah does that for a career. Have you wrapped? I’m just staring at mine.
CLARE TO KAREN 9:13 I have to put special ‘made in W3’ label on mine. We need to consult face to face re: wrapping. Later?
KAREN TO CLARE 9:14: Free briefly at lunch. Come? Bring sample?
CLARE TO KAREN 9:26: What time? You come to me.
KAREN TO CLARE 9:27 Can’t come, picking apples with school children am and pm. Come 11:30.
CLARE TO KAREN 9:29 OK. Pretty early for lunch though.
KAREN TO CLARE 9:30 Coffee
[School group has a successful pick in Marion’s garden, takes away 60 kilos green apples. Karen forgets the pickers in Marion’s garden and rings Marion to bring them round.]
KAREN TO MARION 11:02: Tarpaulin too please.
KAREN TO MARION 11:04: And bike helmet, jeeze.
MARION TO KAREN 11:11: Did you leave brains?
KAREN TO MARION 11:11: Quince mush for brains!
KAREN TO MARION 11:12: Camera too?
MARION TO KAREN 11:14: Didn’t find that. Could it be in tarpaulin?
KAREN TO MARION 11:23: I’ve got it, sorry.
CLARE TO KAREN 11:33 I think I should stay here and finish the fecking quince. Can’t stand it!
KAREN TO CLARE 11:34 No, come now. Marion coming too.
CLARE TO KAREN 11:40 OK, will be a little late.
KAREN TO CLARE 11:40 Hurry, Marion en route. My other school pick just cancelled. Fuck.
CLARE TO KAREN 11:41 So I can come later. I have spent no time with my son and he leaves for a year in Madrid next week and we are doing important stuff.
KAREN TO CLARE 11:42 Oh well, never mind. But Marion is here.
CLARE TO KAREN 11:50 OK, OK, I’m coming.
KAREN TO CLARE 12:06 Bring sample.
CLARE TO KAREN 12:10 Bringing two samples.
KAREN TO CLARE 12:22 Where are you? We can’t wait any more, we’re leaving.
CLARE TO KAREN 12:23 No, no, I’m coming. Wait.
[Marion, Clare and Karen try out various wrapping methods, assuming quince cheese will have cheese consistency]
KAREN TO CLARE 13:36: I found another quince sucker.
MARION 13:43: Hey I drove all the way [to the mirror shop] and they are closed for lunch, for quince sake!!!
MARION 14:21: Did I leave my key at yours?
KAREN TO MARION 14:28: Don’t think so.
MARION 14:30: Under magazines? On kitchen chair?
KAREN TO MARION 14:31: No.
CLARE TO KAREN 16:00: Ring me. This recipe has suggestions.
[CLARE and Karen discuss recipe which suggests micro-waving quinces it for 20 minutes, then oven baking, then turning them out, then turning them in again, then micro-waving a bit longer…]
CLARE TO KAREN 17:09: I am hoping for a miracle. Have just poured batch 2 into mould. Looks good. Fingers crossed! Ben says it stinks in here.
MARION TO KAREN 22:23: Finally found key in street run over by car. In leaves. Wha wha! Still don’t know about quinces. Yours?

23 September
MARION TO KAREN 12:39: I feel your pain and hate quinces. I have no nanny, date is screwed.
MARION TO KAREN 21:10: Can I get in trouble for child slave labour? Luca spent last two hours making apple juice!
KAREN TO MARION 23:18: I’m a great believer in child labour. Need to decide on quinces. Clare wants to wrap. I binned one batch, need to decide on the other two.
MARION 23:45: Go girl! I’m undecided all the way, still praying.

24 September
MARION TO PATRICE 18:00: Hey, you never came by, about to ditch week’s worth of work!
PATRICE TO MARION 18:08: Oh shyte, does it taste good? I got tied up with work assignment and never got anywhere. So sorry.
MARION TO KAREN 19:01: Thanks!! Fuck that bad-ass quince!!
[Karen throws the rest of her quince away, as it has turned into tarmac.]
25 September
MARION TO KAREN 21:07: KAREN, I finished with quince!!! Yippeee!!! Sweet dreams.
KAREN TO MARION, CLARE, SARAH, PATRICE 21:13: So, this is how it draws to a conclusion:

1. Clare’s made quince cheese, Karen has the labels and Clare and Karen are to wrap them asap.

2. Marion’s made quince paste, Marion and Karen have wrapped most, Marion has one more tray to do, Karen has the labels. Marion to drop off for Karen to label (Karen also now has labels for Marion’s chutney, Marion to label)

3. Karen’s quince shite is in the compost. No-one is going to mention this ever again.

4. Patrice is laughing and happy she bowed out!!

5. Sally is not answering emails.

6. If no-one buys our quince I think I will jump off something high.

26 September
MARION TO KAREN 08:33: Thanks, will drop off quince for final stage of labelling.
KAREN TO MARION 08:34: Not too early though.
[Karen and Clare spend two hours wrapping quince cheese by Clare and quince paste by Marion]
KAREN TO MARION 20:11: Quince all packed and labelled. Phew. Now for the chutneys.

1ST October – Abundance Fruit Festival
The quince cheese and paste is snapped up by visitors, and the stall run by Clare and Marion is a huge success. The next day Karen has a nervous breakdown and Marion is diagnosed with shingles. Clare and Patrice maintain radio silence. Sally is never heard from again. Daniella cuts her quinces open, decides she can’t face the work and throws them away. Alfie, the Chiswick High Road fruit stall, keeps ringing Abundance begging for quinces, as the weekend papers are full of glowing reports about lovely quince cheese…

16 July 2009: Update from Le Parisien on progress, http://www.leparisien.fr/societe/karen-cherche-toujours-la-femme-a-la-bouteille-16-06-2009-549194.php

10 June 2009, France Culture, 30 minute radio programme on La bouteille à la mer: http://sites.radiofrance.fr/chaines/france-culture2/emissions/pieds/fiche.php?diffusion_id=74239

14 May 2009, TF1 News (TV): http://videos.tf1.fr/jt-20h/elle-recherche-l-auteur-d-une-bouteille-a-la-mer-4411528.html (also featured on news on M6, France 2).

13 May 2009, Le Parisien, national newspaper feature: http://www.leparisien.fr/societe/la-bouteille-a-la-mer-de-karen-13-05-2009-511069.php

http://www.standaard.be/Artikel/Detail.aspx?artikelId=DMF13052009_038&ref=nieuwsoverzicht

http://www.rtlinfo.be/rtl/news/article/241639/–Depuis+7+ans,+elle+cherche+lexp%C3%A9ditrice+dune+bouteille+%C3%A0+la+mer